1. Don’t stay in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t want to listen to a detailed re-telling of your childhood dreams (or the backstory to your dreams – essential detail!). Dreams are important, especially formative dreams that are the key to understanding your whole deal.


2. Avoid calling Telstra about anything (let’s be honest, it’s usually nothing good) when you’re feeling slightly vulnerable and/or depressed. During the hours on hold, you may make impulsive, life-changing decisions.

On second thought, maybe do call them.

“You know what, don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about the internet. Or the phone line. I’m going to go to New York and start my life again. And get a refund from a psychic and hopefully have a baby before it’s too late and then I can write again and really be a part of life!”


3. Your psychic is not your friend. She’s not going to refund you because the curse on your vagina she promised to remove has returned. She’s going to tell you the warranty has expired, you’re now also dealing with the grudge of a jealous wizard, and up the price.

“Wizards are tough. It’s gonna be a lot of work for me. So it ain’t gonna be cheap.”


4. Don’t judge an Airbnb host on first impressions. They could turn out to be pretty fabulous, know Kanye West and have helpful tips on cost effective ways to freeze your eggs, as well as lessons on how to flick men from your pussy.

“That’s right mama! Flick him off there!”


5. Don’t spend your month’s rent money on new clothing or shoes for a date when the guy could turn out to be a total dud. He should like you for you.


6. Bust a wild dance move. Doesn’t matter if if you think you’re any good or not. Dance like no-one’s watching baby. #noregrets


7. Don’t take your grandparents for granted. They’re wise and wonderful, and you’ll miss them deeply when they’re gone. Take their calls. Even if they can’t hear you. 


Atlantis plays until November 26. Find more information and book tickets here